Scotty Livingston: How to Plan for a Safe Space Cruise: A Space Travel Survival Guide

Good afternoon all, and welcome to Steel Aurora, home of the Megaships (MS) Verminus and Hermes. My name is Jet and I will be your safety guide for your Holiday Space Cruise aboard the MS Hermes. Now, I’m sure that you are all ready to get your party started. Safety may not be your foremost concern, but it is my duty to keep you up to speed. By the end of this how-to guide, you’ll be ready to set sail on your very own space travel extravaganza. We know you could be doing anything in the world, but we’re glad you chose us for your space travel. Welcome to the Space Travel Survival How-To Guide!

For starters, drink responsibly. As cliché as that sounds, responsible alcohol consumption is the greatest factor in ensuring that you get 100% of your money’s worth on this trip. Alcohol is a major contributing factor to personal safety incidents on a space cruise. Be aware of your limits, as well as your surroundings. There will be an abundant supply of alcohol onboard, so it is quite easy to get carried away. We do ask again that you be mindful. Also, it is immeasurably important that you be aware of who you allow to buy your alcohol. Our cruiseship will be passing through the Eastern Nebula which is known for its love of human cuisine (do what you will with that information). Regardless, however inebriated you are, don't accept a walk back to your cabin from a stranger. If you happen to be a solo cruiser, find a friend early on, and hope your decision-making has improved since booking a space cruise alone.

Second, secure your belongings! Most doors in the cruiseship are automatic, so they will close behind you, but it is good practice to give them a little tug when you enter and leave in order to make sure the doors seal shut. All room doors have level nine security systems which include fingerprint and retina scanners. Please use them. You also want to make sure that you utilize your room’s personal safe. Although we have advised you to leave your valuables at home, we do know that you cannot go a week without your flashy gadgets and shiny jewelry. So, although we aren’t responsible for any loss of personal items, the least we can do is give you a passcode and voice operated safe. Your safe is not just there to take up room in your closet. Though often small, it can usually fit a midsized laptop, a tablet (or two), cellphone, and jewelry/watches.

Third, be sure to always have at least one form of personal identification on your person at all times. No worries, you will not be getting “carded” at the bars, ladies and gentlemen. Your personal identification is, however, important in keeping accountability in the event of any hazards or emergencies. The faster we can locate and identify our passengers, the better chances we have of keeping everyone safe. Your personal identification will also come in handy if, by chance, you were to win any of our grand prizes during your cruise. If you happen to be one of our lucky winners, we will need to verify your identity and home address in order to ensure that you properly receive your prize. Prizes will not be given out during the cruise and instead are shipped to your home address (or an address of your choosing). Shipping of the prizes usually takes four to six weeks after the end of the cruise. There will be over one million U.S. dollars in total prizes and prize money given away over the duration of your cruise. We do not want to give your local criminals any more incentive to be awaiting your return to your home planet. The holiday season brings out the latest and greatest, and we’d like to know we did our best to avert any attempts on your prizes.

Fourth, you want to exercise extreme caution while on your personal balcony. The balcony is mounted inside of a detachable, transparent, oxygen-filled Rare Earth Aluminum pod, which allows patrons to peer into the depths of the nebula with no boundaries. The pods are designed to detach from the cruiseship while simultaneously using its magnetic field as an artificial orbit. The pods can be set to detach for a specified amount of time, or they can be manually controlled. Please avoid any and all projectiles while on the balcony. Although the balconies have been reinforced for your safety, it is still wise to exhibit caution while enjoying your view. Each balcony is fitted with a personal wet bar and a swinging loveseat for your relaxation, as well as an exhaust system, which allows you and your guests to smoke “outdoors.” Please note: illegal substances are strictly prohibited, and if found, will result in the Sector Sheriff being notified and your removal from this cruiseship. The balcony pod can stay detached from the rig for up to eight hours and can be redeployed within four hours of being docked in its station. Each individual pod’s polarity prevents them from coming within a specified distance of one another, but by request, cruisers can link up to ten balconies together for epic parties in the depths of space.

Fifth, our vendors accept cash from all worlds, using the Galactic Exchange System. However, it is important to keep cash on hand to a minimum. Even if you are a gambler, there is no reason to bring a lot of money onboard. All onboard transactions can be carried out using your personally customized biochip. The biochip is the safest way to pay and receive funds while onboard the MS Hermes. Wearing it is as simple as wearing a watch, and its operation is synced to your biological signature, linking it to whatever bank or prepaid account you’d like to use. If lost or stolen, the funds can be returned to your personal account, or transferred to a new biochip. Please visit the Customer Care Center in any of the sectors with comments, questions, and concerns. Although we advise against carrying large amounts of cash, there will be automated tellers (ATMs) available in each sector of the cruiseship. When out on your adventure, be sure to take out only what you need, but don't advertise it.

Sixth, let’s discuss the crew of the MS Hermes. The ship has a crew of nearly eight thousand space sailors, including but not limited to, engineers, servers, bartenders, firefighters, security and police, and seven pilot teams, to keep this adventure going smoothly. Each crew member is here for your comfort and safety throughout the duration of this cruise. At no point is it appropriate for crewmembers to partake in any party-like activity onboard the MS Hermes. Offering crewmembers drinks, drugs, and/or leisure time detracts from their duty onboard the ship and could lead to their dismissal, your removal from the cruise, and possible prosecution under interstellar law. Also, do not enter crew quarters under any circumstances. Any attempt to enter and extract information or details about the cruiseship or its crew will be treated as high treason, as you are onboard an interstellar spacecraft with the lives of over thirty thousand individuals (including the crew). Any individual found wandering around crew quarters shall be escorted to the Sector Sheriff immediately.

That being said, therein lies the distinct importance in getting familiar with the crew in your sector. Ask for names, and try to establish yourself with those who will be working with you directly. A bit of familiarity can go a long way concerning your personal safety. Crewmembers can, and will, defuse any situation in which patrons find themselves in harm’s way. They may notice if someone who isn’t you, tries to get into your room, or walks out of your room at odd hours. Also, as a friendly reminder, crewmembers outside of the Customer Care Center will never ask you for your personal information, so be mindful of that when traveling and interacting with people around the cruiseship. It is not unlikely for scammers to be aboard the cruiseship as anyone who can afford such luxury makes for a high-quality target. Our security teams are specifically trained to track and deal with these types, but we still ask that you stay vigilant and report any suspicious people to your Sector Sheriff.

Last but not least . . . follow all instructions during an emergency! Before your adventure began, you attended the Space Occupation Academy’s safety course for space travel. There, you learned what the specific alerts onboard the MS Hermes were, where your Sector Sheriff’s station is located, how to put on and operate a spacesuit, and the basic evacuation drill for the cruiseship. While we’re sure that most passengers listened attentively, there are always the few who did not. In the event of an emergency, please leave the saving to the crewmembers. Study the evacuation routes illustrated in your manuals as well as in the corridors of your sector. In the event that you witness a petty crime of any sort, DO NOT attempt to save a stranger or apprehend a thief at the cost of your own life. Even if you have been in similar situations before, we ask that you allow our crew to do what they are paid to do. Don't see it as an inconvenience, but rather as an important part of preserving your cruise experience. . . .

Watch out for space cats! Safe travels!